Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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