i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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