Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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