turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
