so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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