im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
