just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
