My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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