pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
