Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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