I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
