Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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