he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My cat gives me a boner
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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