Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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