Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
But break dance skills will only take you so far
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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