dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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