1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
