I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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