can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
