My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
