who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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