i permit you to call me
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
