I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
