I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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