There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
