I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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