dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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