well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
