You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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