we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I think I sprained my soul last night
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
