So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
