I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
