I don't usually arrange sex via text message
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
