She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
