So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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