Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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