Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
