I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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