really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
