so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
