Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
This toilet bowl is my home.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
