Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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