Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
