After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
