I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
