Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
