Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
