ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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