hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
