it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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