So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
