In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
what day is it and did you see me today?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
we're making bets on your personal life
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
