im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
