I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
